Part 1: On Orgasms and Lady Bits

Image by Evgeniy Yakshin

My objective in this trans sex exploration is to orgasm. There are some obstacles in the way. Masturbation is out of the question. I have done it maybe once in over a year. I just never feel like it. To be honest, this is a complete inversion of my previous status quo. I used to just need to masturbate, sometimes three times a day, it was a kind of autonomic itch: I don’t feel right, better masturbate. There was no sexy attached to it, just blah. Though, I think perhaps the endorphins helped to alleviate my dysphoria. Part of the issue is that before HRT I got turned on by almost anything, despite feeling uncomfortable about it, now I need to feel mutual emotional entanglement to get wet, or apparently through reading — but I’m not ready to explore that yet (one goal at a time). On top of all this is my total dislike for my lady bit (penis), at least when she is hard.

I actually don’t mind my lady bit when she is small and shy. She shrank a lot and I am uncut, so in general, she’s pretty unthreatening looking and in no way gives off a masculine vibe. That said, when she gets hard I get dysphoric. On top of that, she used to be relatively big, but in a grower capacity. Consequently, there has been some skin shrinkage from lack of use and when I do get hard it hurts, sometimes a lot (imagine trying to fit into your childhood one-piece snowsuit as an adult — I’m Canadian). Barring all of these issues, and the ability to even get hard, which varies greatly during my HRT injection cycle, I’ve yet to really orgasm more than a few times in the last year. I still need my lady bit to be in a vagina. The movement, lead up, and the process of orgasming is very much transformed, but it still makes me feel icky. I topped recently, and it was amazing, it happened organically. I got hard, and it remained hard enough to slide inside my partner without needing to touch my lady bit or look at it-which almost never happens. My partner and I writhed around on each other and she sucked my breast and spanked me, it didn’t feel very masculine. But that might be the exception for a long time, at least with regards to topping. Which is okay, I usually pleasure my partner and that’s that, which is often enough. But I know there is more. I want to be able to orgasm without lady bit penetration.

I’ve gotten close, I like toys. Vibrators and dildos against my inner thigh have some form of nerve resonance that feels good, but it only got me there once. I want that again. I used to like it up the butt, but for some reason, that doesn’t feel as good post-HRT. I know some trans women love it, but not me. So that is pretty much my sexual landscape for 16 months now, it’s actually a lot better than before. I don’t feel uncomfortable as long as I don’t top or have to touch myself when hard. I just don’t feel completely satisfied and it gnaws at me. I know what I am missing. In those moments when I do manage to orgasm, as enigmatic as they are, the result is all fireworks. The buildup is slow, and pleasure is diffused throughout my body. The ultimate intensity may be toned down from a male orgasm, but my new orgasms make up for that in length and whole-body activity. I never used to scream or call out, but I always do now. I just need to get there more.

My proposed method is as follows. I want to start with muffing. I recently read “Fucking Trans Women” and this intrigued me, I’ve never thought of my inguinal canals as a potential fuck site. I then want to explore the idea of playing with a soft lady bit. My girlfriend hates the word flaccid, apparently, it’s a turn-off. I also want to cover toys, specifically dildo harnesses and anal play. Beyond that, if I can’t orgasm without penetration I’m giving up! All jokes aside, I’d like to host a blog post from my partner’s perspective. We will see. I am not sure anyone will even read any of this. I am certainly not linking it to Facebook.

If people do read, expect progress to be slow. I want time to play and digest.

I’m trans, a grad student in gender studies, and a legal researcher.

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